Sleepless Nights

What do you do when you can't sleep at night?

• count sheep? 
• read a book?
• watch a little TV?
• pray?

Well, I've tried all of those, and it just doesn't seem to cut it... SO, here I am.  It's uhh... been awhile... But there's a very good reason for that.  Sort of.

By now, it's pretty much common knowledge that my life is taking a crazy turn.  I began to write about this so many times, but the words could never quite spill out onto the screen.  Half of me thinks that's because there was just too much to say, and it would take too long to type it.  The other half of me (the one that knows the truth) knows that it's because I wasn't ready to deal with it.  I wasn't ready to make it real.  You know, putting something on the internet makes it official.  Like how I wasn't actually married until Facebook said so.  Right?!

Okay the words are about to appear.  No turning back after that... here they come...

WE ARE MOVING TO MIAMI, FLORIDA!!!!!

http://www.desirechurch.com

SURPRISE!!!

Not a surprise?  My bad.  

Anyway, it's out in the world wide web now.  Everybody who wants to know, and those who don't, can read about it, and I can't change that.  (Well, actually, I don't have to post this blog.  I could just erase it, ya know?)  

So anyone who keeps up with social networks has probably gotten the clue about our move, but I suppose now is as good a time as any to tell you a little more about the process behind the decision and where we go from here.

It started last year around April (ish) when Dwayne had the "random" notion to send an e-mail to my college pastor just thanking him for the mentorship he had provided me during my time at AO as well as our best friends Blake and Caroline Herron.  At the end of the e-mail, he just happened to mention that he would be honored if there ever came a time for the two of them to work in ministry together.

That little e-mail prompted the most challenging call Dwayne and I have faced up to this point in our lives.  

Jerel (the college pastor) saw that e-mail and it led him to invite us to his home where he shared with us (and the Herrons) about his plan to plant a church in Southern Florida.  This had been in the works for a little while, but he was looking to build up a team to go down with him and his family.  Cue the flash forward...

The Gibbs and Herron families spent months in prayer and scripture and discussion waiting for God's voice to speak out our answer.  Are we supposed to be on that team?  About a year ago today, we all put our "YES" on the table.  There are many details I could go into about the weighing of options and my Negative Nancy self who didn't want to buy in at first... but no one wants to know about all that...

Okay, well, I'll tell you a little bit.  I didn't want to get uncomfortable.  I had just started feeling like I had made a new home for myself.  WHFBC was becoming my family.  I was actually going to be teaching at the same school, in the same grade for back-to-back years!  And possibly the most difficult: I have never lived more than 45 minutes away from my family.  How can this be what God wants?!

Well, He did, and He does.  The difference from then to now is, get this, I have faith in His plan.

God did quite a work on my heart this year.  I tried desperately to think of all the reasons we shouldn't be going, but God quickly began showing me that my bigger problem would be staying in a place that I wasn't meant to stay in any longer.  No one wants to try and tell God that they have a better idea.  (Jonah, anyone?)

So, I'm a pretty open book, and I think it's important to share our struggles with others because God designed us to have community... and that community is meant to see you through the happy and the sad...  and how can they see you through the sad if you always pretend that you're "happy"?!  We all tend to think that we are the only ones going through a difficult time and that if we share our hurts, people will know we are broken, and that's just not acceptable.  The truth is, EVERYONE HURTS.  In some way or another.  Not all the time, but that's how we can help others.  We share the burden.  

...

All that to say, here is my burden: ANXIETY.  I stress about everything.  People who were in my Junior year Chemistry class know what I'm talking about... Spending the class period in the hallway crying because I got a "C" on a lab... weekly...

Anyway, lots of drama and fitful nights finally convinced me to go to a doctor, and I was told point-blank: You are dealing with anxiety.  YUP.  The record player was going on and on in my mind playing my fears over and over, faster and faster, and I couldn't control it.  I am so thankful for my husband who stayed with me, night upon night, willing to do absolutely anything he could to help me... and just being a calming presence when there was nothing to be done.

But I will tell you that I refuse to let anxiety overcome.  God provided doctors, counselors, family, and friends who all stepped in to get me through the madness.  I haven't completely conquered the symptoms, and perhaps I will never fully be past my sense of worry.  However, I DO know that through that, God taught me to let go.  Let go of my fear.  Let go of my doubts.  Let go of my plans.  

You see, ultimately, God is going to do what God is going to do.  And you can kick and scream and get swallowed by a giant fish... OR... you can let go and trust that God's got you.  

So that's what I have done.  It's definitely not easy, and it's not guaranteed to unfold as we plan, but I am 100% certain that God's hand is in it all, and I can rest in that.

I have already had to say some pretty tough good-byes.  If you had caught me during the first half of the school year (especially towards December/January), you would have seen a girl that was ready to be done with teaching.  Remember the anxiety thing?  Yes.  My heart sank every morning as I thought about what the day had in store.  But by the end of the year, I was boo-hooing and blubbering as I prepared myself to finally tell my precious firsties that I wouldn't be back next year.  I waited until the last week of school because I didn't want to affect their education.  Sure enough, 5 minutes before dismissal I sat them down to tell them I had important news, and not only were my eyes pouring, but a few of these sweet little 6 and 7 year olds were joining me.  Some wouldn't even look at me!  It was tragic.  The last day of school was the worst.  I've never cried for summer before... in a sad way, at least. I got a bazillion bear hugs.  Those will warm my heart forever.  

And then, I had to say good-bye to my family... I mean my co-workers... No, I mean my family.  That's who they had become to me.  Showering Dwayne and me with love after our wedding.  Sharing prayers and encouragement.  Spending hours after school being real with one another and building relationships outside of "work".  Yes, family.  

And I had to say good-bye to my boss.  The same one who was MY principal when I was in elementary school.  The one who knew me and my family well.  The one who hired me without batting an eye and gave me the most wonderful blessing to work with the most amazing children.  I had to say good-bye to Ms. Turner.

And then I had to say good-bye to my second home.  My classroom.  I think I spent just as many hours there as I did my actual home.  And I totally got paid overtime, too.... HA!  The bare walls were difficult to see.

Finally, I have had to say good-bye to my first REAL home.  The home where D and I started our lives together as a family.  I'm blessed to think of the wonderful couple that is as in love with the place as we were...  I know they will appreciate it as it will be their first home together as well.  All the same... I will miss it's teeny-tiny spaces and loads of character.  We made it work.  It was perfect.

Now it's time for hello.  Hello to a new state, city, community, culture, home, job... I can go on... We are kind of in limbo right now as we are currently homeless and jobless.  Our stuff is camped out in a storage unit and we are living in suitcases and boxes at my mom's... and currently at Jerel and Mistie's, while we look for homes and jobs.  (Can I just say how awesome they are to be willing to share their house with two other families???  We currently have 10 people in this house and we don't know when that will change either!)

It's crazy and it's chaotic and it's beautiful.  

We put an offer on a townhouse today.  D has a big interview on Monday.  We don't know if we will get the home, and we don't know if he will get the job, but we do know that God is at work.  We do know that God is going to do big things.  Sometimes our flesh makes it difficult to see past the unknown, but letting go gives me peace.  That's all I can do.