"And I could hold on
I could hold on to who I am and never let You
Change me from the inside
And I could be safe
I could be safe here in Your arms and never leave home
Never let these walls down..."
-All Sons and Daughters
These words hit me hard. Change is hard. Truth… is hard. But breaking down the walls so that my Heavenly Father can prune me and peel away the dead parts of my soul… it's necessary.
I've been away for awhile, and there is a heavy, looming reason: my pride.
How many people have read my blog today? Have they seen how crafty I am? Do they know how witty I can be? Will they see that I have it all together??
Those are questions I have asked myself far too many times, and enough was enough.
Several months ago, I had a conversation with someone that broke me to my core. It hit all of the insecurities that I face daily… all of the doubts I have about myself… all of the fear that lies deep within my being.
If you are reading this, that means you probably know me decently well… well enough to know that I am a pretty open person. I don't really have a difficult time sharing what's really going on in my life, even with someone I barely know. That personality trait has allowed me to ease interactions with strangers and build a state of open trust with friends. In the same breath, it causes me to shut people out. Too many times it seems that my mouth is open instead of my ears. Somehow the conversation continues to come back to me and my experiences… me and my opinion… me and my big mouth.
This conversation was led by someone that I trust as a mentor. They knew what they were about to say to me was going to cut deep… So much so that they were a little hesitant to go there. But it came from a caring heart to "faithfully wound" me. You see, there is an aspect of me that feels the need to perform. I have the neurotic tendency to perfect anything and everything I think that I can. But coming down to South Florida has stripped away those comforts in areas that I know can be perfected. We are here to plant a church with the faith God provided. We came down here without family or familiarity. We left behind all of the basic comforts we had been blessed to enjoy for so long. And suddenly, I was left with this daunting fear:
"What is my purpose? Who am I supposed to be?"
I've been asking myself those questions since I've been down here. I took a break from teaching because the stress had become overwhelming to me, and I didn't want to add to that down here. But that left me feeling like a failure and wondering what on earth DO I do? If I'm not a teacher, what am I? Then, as the church has been growing and stretching its limbs, I began to question my part in it all. Where do I belong in this? Does the church even need me?
Let me tell you, this is a dangerous place to be. I have begun to dwell in the world of comparisons.
They are better at this than me… This person is stronger in faith than me… Look at that family that has it all together… All my friends are becoming moms and I am once again behind the curve… I wish I could go on a shopping spree like those women…
Dangerous, I say.
WHAT ON EARTH, PEOPLE?!
What is my purpose?? TO BRING GLORY TO THE SOVEREIGN LORD!
Who am I supposed to be?? A CHILD OF THE ONE TRUE KING!
Well, let's just say that there is a difference between your head that knows the truth and your heart that believes it. And that is what God is revealing to me. I have wasted so much time trying to reconcile my unbelief. There is a battle that then ensues between TRYING to be a better Christian and actually BELIEVING that I am already righteous in the eyes of my Savior. My husband reminded me that once my soul was claimed for the Gospel, Jesus Christ implanted ALL of himself within me, so that all His characteristics are already a part of me. Instead of trying to make myself into someone greater, I need only seek to become who I already am.
"I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me." -Galatians 2:20
You see, the more I sit here and worry about becoming a better version of me, all I'm doing is focusing on me… which is the complete opposite of the point. This life I live is not for the sake of my name, but for God. You would think I would have that figured out before moving to another state to start a church. But this is a process. I will not be fixed by tomorrow simply because I've acknowledged the truth. My flesh continues to whisper lies of conceit in my ear. However, I pray that the Lord will persist in breaking me so that I no longer reflect myself.
If you have set yourself to reading this entire outpouring of my weaknesses, I pray that the Lord has reached your own heart in some way. If you feel so led, please lift up my heart that I would seek to be less of myself and more of Christ.
"He must increase, but I must decrease." -John 3:30
Please pray for the hearts of South Florida that will be reached through the sharing and spreading of the Gospel by the disciples of Desire Church and the surrounding brothers and sisters with the same mission.
"But You have called me higher
You have called me deeper
And I'll go where You will lead me Lord
You have called me higher
You have called me deeper
And I'll go where You lead me Lord…"
You have called me deeper
And I'll go where You will lead me Lord
You have called me higher
You have called me deeper
And I'll go where You lead me Lord…"
-All Sons and Daughters
 |
| Olson, Gibbs, and Herron families at first preview service for Desire Church! |
